Mary Sue Comes to Hogwarts

Author - Lorelei Phantomwall
Genre - Humor
Keywords - Snape, Mary Sue, Draco, Harry, Hermione, Love potion,
youth potion, polyjuice potion, farce
Spoilers -
All books,
including Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Rated PG
 Summary - Mary Sue Roberts comes to Hogwarts, and the whole school goes crazy.
Disclaimer - This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by
JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic
Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright
or trademark infringement is intended. Only the words belong to me. And Mary Sue
almost belongs to me.
Author's Notes - This is a parody of all the so called
'original characters' in
Mary-Sue fics. Please review and tell me whether you like it and if it is a good parody ^_^

 

Mary Sue Roberts' stomach rumbled. She had forgotten to eat that morning. It was too late now; she was already headed to Hogwarts. She used to go to the Salem Magic Academy but her grandfather who also happened to be headmaster at Hogwarts invited her to come to his school. How could she refuse? She would never want to hurt his feelings. Besides she could fit in anywhere.

A boy with cold gray eyes and silvery blond hair came into her compartment. He was followed by a pug faced girl and two very huge boys. He stared at her for a few seconds.

Being the very social person she was she said "Hi, I'm Mary Sue Roberts. I'm from America and I'm starting my fifth year. My grandfather invited me here."

The blond boy stared at first, the other two huge boys also stared. The pug faced girl scowled at the three boys. Then the blond boy spoke "I'm Malfoy, Draco Malfoy. Welcome to Hogwarts." he bowed.

The pug faced girl spoke for the first time "This is our compartment so get out now." she was very cold sounding.

Mary Sue stood up gracefully. "Good bye now." her voice was dignified yet you could still hear the hurt in her voice.

She went to the next compartment. In that compartment sat a bushy haired girl, a tall redheaded boy, and a boy who she instantly recognized as Harry Potter. Both of the boys stood up and bowed.

"You can sit here," the redheaded boy said. "I'm Ron Weasley. My dad works for the ministry." Ron Weasley's face was almost as red as his hair.

"Thank you," Mary Sue sat down next to Ron. "I'm Mary Sue Roberts, I'm starting 5th year. I just transferred from America."

"Wow," Harry Potter said softly "It must be a hard thing to do, going to a different school on the other side of the ocean."

"No, it's not that difficult if you keep a positive attitude. Besides, my grandfather is Headmaster here. He said the school needed cheering up. Not that I'm trying to brag or anything." Harry and Ron weren't exactly listening to everything she was saying, they were too busy staring into her turquoise eyes.

* * * *
"That Mary Sue Roberts is a real hottie." Draco said wistfully.

Pansy scowled. "She's a Hufflepuff if I ever saw one."

"Pansy, you're just jealous that Mary Sue is hotter than you and you are just a pug face. You look like a female dog." Crabbe and Goyle laughed along with Draco.

"So does your mother." Pansy stormed out of the compartment.

"Mary Sue and I could like totally date if she ends up in Slytherin," Draco sighed. Crabbe and Goyle did pathetic imitations of a wistful sigh. "Too bad girls like her don't end up in Slytherin."

"I could totally date her if I was in Gryffindor." Gregory Goyle said.

"Why, Goyle, you're showing your first signs of intelligence! You have given me a brilliant idea!" Draco smiled. "After Mary Sue gets Sorted I can ask Dumbledore if I can transfer to whatever house she ends up in."

"Me too. I think she likes me." Vincent Crabbe began drooling.

"No, I get the girl. You stay in Slytherin and date b!^%&es like Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bullstrode." Draco wagged his index finger at them.

Crabbe and Goyle whimpered like wounded puppies.

"It's a dog eat dog world these days, you can't act like puppies," Draco had a steely glint in his eye which was unusual for him. "You know what else I have to do?" he waited for Crabbe and Goyle's responses.

"What, Draco?" Crabbe finally spoke after ten minutes.

"I must renounce my ties to Voldemort and my Death Eater family. Mary Sue could never like me if she knew how horrible and cruel my family is." Draco sighed.

Crabbe and Goyle stared at each other, this behavior was so unlike Draco. It was like he had some weird disease. But what disease could it be? For once in their lives they knew the answer. It was love.

Meanwhile Draco began to take a nap. He dreamed about Mary Sue's long red hair, her smiling turquoise eyes, and her perfect figure; he dreamed about his plan to make her love him.

* * * *
Mary Sue is smart, funny, sweet, kind, pretty, and popular, Hermione thought. She liked Mary Sue well enough, but Mary Sue was kind of like a rival to her. With charm like that Mary Sue could easily knock Hermione out of her place at the top the class.

"So, Mary Sue, what classes are you taking?" Hermione made a stab at conversation.

Mary Sue's eyes lit up. "Well, other than the required classes such as Charms and Potions I'm also taking Arithmancy and Care of Magical Creatures. I just love to care for magical creatures."

Hermione couldn't help but roll her eyes. Mary Sue was sweet, but she just was too perfect.

"Do you play Quidditch?" Harry drawled.

Hermione's mouth hung wide open. This was so unlike Harry. The Harry Potter she knew never drawled.

"I played Quodpot in America," Mary Sue paused for a second "I've been practicing Quidditch and I had a meeting with the Quidditch teacher here at Hogwarts and she said that I'd be a natural Keeper."

Harry looked dazed. Hermione could tell he was in his own Romantic Fantasy Dreamland.

"You should quit Arithmancy and join Divination." Ron said randomly.

"Why?" Mary Sue had a look of surprise on her face.

"The Arithmancy teacher is terrible. The Divination teacher is sweet and kind, like you."

Hermione snorted. This was getting pretty pathetic. Mary Sue must have veela ancestry or something to get Harry and Ron to act like this. "So," Hermione tactfully changed the subject so she could get the information she needed. "What sort of heritage do you have?"

"What?" Mary Sue said innocently. Ron and Harry were no longer in the world of reality they were both just staring at her.

"Like, do you have any interesting ancestors? My ancestors were all muggles. But do you have any werewolves, vampires, or veelas as ancestors?" Hermione put a sugar sweet smile on.

"Nope. Just plain old wizards and witches."

"Oh." Hermione was disappointed and confused. No one in their compartment said another word for the rest of the train ride.

* * * *
Mary Sue was in the Great Hall waiting to be Sorted while at the same time comforting all the scared, nervous 1st years.

One by one they were Sorted. Finally it was Mary Sue's turn.

Hmmmm... you are ambitious, but you are so d@#^ sweet! Mary Sue, I LOVE YOU!

"What?" Mary Sue was confused.

Oh, sorry, sometimes you just get carried away. Mary Sue, you belong in...

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Mary Sue got a standing ovation when she went to go sit down at the Gryffindor table. All the Hufflepuff boys started crying.

Mary Sue was bombarded by cries of "SIT HERE!", "No, sit here!", and "I love you!". Mary Sue sat next to Ron, Harry and Hermione.

Ron and Harry both grinned. Mary Sue sat between the two of them. "Wow," Harry said "I guess today is our lucky day!"

Dumbledore stood up to make an announcement "Attention please," the Great Hall went silent "In light of what has happened with Diggory's death, and Voldemort's rising; I still want you all to know that Hogwarts is a safe place. If you are having trouble talk to someone. It could be me, a staff member, or even another student." Dumbledore looked at Mary Sue. "Also, Hogsmeade trips will not be canceled and we will continue our schedules as usual." Dumbledore sat down.

Harry looked at the floor. Mary Sue patted him on the back which caused his spirits to rise.

* * * *
"Professor Snape, I would like to talk to the Headmaster in private." Draco looked at the floor; he had trouble looking Snape in the eye because of what he was about to do.

Professor Snape beckoned to Draco without saying a word and began walking down the hall. Draco followed. When they got to a stone gargoyle Snape muttered the password.

Draco followed Snape to Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore was busy writing something. "Yes?" Dumbledore looked up.

"Mr. Malfoy would like to talk to you in private." Snape looked at Malfoy coldly as if he knew what Draco was about to ask the Headmaster.

"Very well then." Snape turned and left.

"Professor Dumbledore, I would like to transfer to a different house." Draco gulped.

Dumbledore stared at Draco for a few seconds with his twinkling blue eyes. "Why?"

"Because I don't think I truly belong there. You see, Slytherin has always been linked to evil, and I have decided that I don't want to go down that path. What you said last year has had me thinking all summer." Draco put on his most sincere sad face and crossed his fingers behind his back. Draco could have sworn there were a few tears in Dumbledore's eyes.

"Mr. Malfoy, it's moments like these that let me know I have done my job. When my message gets through to a student. You have shown incredible courage to go against your destiny. For that I reward will you..." Dumbledore paused for dramatic effect "You will be in Gryffindor. Go get your things. The password to Gryffindor common room is PandaPanda. The entrance is at the portrait of the Fat Lady."

Draco was practically skipping as he exited Dumbledore's office. Now he was so close to Mary Sue, just one bedroom away...

The thought made Draco grin. He had forgotten that there were others in Gryffindor. As he said the password his heart leaped. His happiness was interrupted...

"Aaaauuugggggghhhhh!!!" Hermione, Harry, and Ron all screamed at the same time.

"What are you doing here, intruder?" Harry spat.

"I've transferred to Gryffindor." Draco slightly smirked.

"You son-of-a-" Just then Mary Sue walked in, interrupting Harry's sentence.

"Hello, Draco." Mary Sue was wearing light blue silk pajamas. The top was very revealing which both Draco and Harry liked. The bottoms were very, very short shorts.

"Hi, Mary Sue. You look so- so- so- beautiful." Draco was actually thinking something else but he didn't want to sound like a pervert since it was his first day knowing her.

Harry was silent.

"I love light blue, it's my favorite color. You make light blue look even better." Draco was trying his hardest to flatter her.

Mary Sue blushed. "Thank you. I had no clue you were in Gryffindor."

"I just transferred from Slytherin. I realized it was the wrong house for me." Draco puffed out his chest and tried to sound as heroic and manly as he could.

"I'm glad you're here."

Mary Sue yawned. All the boys were mesmerized at the sight of her in her pajamas.

"Mary Sue, you sound so- so- so- weary. Let me escort you to bed." Harry extended his arm to her.

"Thanks, Harry, I was just going to bed. But you don't need to escort me to bed." Mary Sue turned and went to bed, her hair appeared to be blowing in the breeze, except for the fact there was no breeze. Harry was confused.

"How come none of my Potter charm works?" Harry asked Ron.

"Maybe she's gay," Ron said.

All of a sudden every boy in the common room jumped on him; in a few seconds Ron had two black eyes, two fat lips, and a bloody nose.

"Weasley, where is our dorm?" Draco couldn't look at Ron without laughing.

"This way Malfoy," Ron glared at Draco.

* * * *